May 13, 2015
Sometimes I wonder if my crazy intense thoughts are freakish or normal…..hence the phrase ‘unique-or-not’.
I suppose putting them out there for the world to see (or just people I know and a few online searchers with time on their hands) will give me some insight into if I am really in need of some special services and a padded room or if I am painfully ordinary.
So my latest thought that keeps me laying awake many nights is the description of a friendship.
From my online search:
friend·ship
ˈfren(d)SHip/
noun
the emotions or conduct of friends; the state of being friends.
synonyms: relationship, close relationship, attachment, mutual attachment, association, bond, tie, link, union; informalbromance
“lasting friendships”
a relationship between friends.
plural noun: friendships
“she formed close friendships with women”
synonyms: amity, camaraderie, friendliness, comradeship, companionship, fellowship, fellow feeling, closeness, affinity, rapport, understanding, harmony, unity; More
a state of mutual trust and support between allied nations.
Or this one from Urban Dictionary:
people who are aware of how retarded you are and still manage to be seen in public with you. people who make you laugh till you pee your pants. people who cry for you when one of your special items disappear. when you dont have enough money to get a ice cream, they chip in. knows all of your internet passwords. who would never make you cry just to be mean.
Personally I like the second one and I can relate to it!
I have been especially sad lately because of the loss of a couple of friendships but one in particular.
As I look at the gorgeous trees blooming right now in spring, making me catch my breath out of awe, I realize they will disappear soon to be replaced by a different and less intense sort of beauty….like this once deep now faded friendship.
This is someone that I have never peed my pants with and I haven’t shared with them my internet passwords nor have we exchanged ice cream money…….but I have told them things that I have never shared with anyone, I have admitted thoughts that I wouldn’t dare put out there with anyone else, and I have been there when they needed me.
That defines for me what real and deep friendship is.
I seldom have gotten to this state of what I consider friendship at its highest level.
This person is a self proclaimed and semi-diagnosed narcissist. (I had to look that up when we first met.)
I suppose in some sense I am as well, or so I thought…..so I wasn’t bothered.
What I really am is nauseatingly kind to others and often let myself be treated badly…..I long to be a snarly, snide, uppity bitch.
So, in a nutshell, what I thought to be a deep friendship, was really just a phase until they were happy and something better came along.
They didn’t say this and would deny it, but actions speak louder than words and I see and feel it daily.
When I long to talk to them, they are not there.
When I need someone to lean on, the absence is glaring.
When something happens that makes me smile, I don’t get a response.
The interactions have become increasing one-sided and from the other shore very shallow.
What to think……hmmmm…..
The rushing thoughts of inadequacy flood my mind.
Rubbish, you say……I know that.
Just move on and forget them.
Argh……really? Forget someone that has meant so much. Right.
It seems so crazy to hang on…..
but here I am….
dangling like a blubbering idiot on a tiny thread of hope that they will wake up one day and realize what a marvelous friend I am and come crawling back mumbling apologies and forgiveness.
Nope….not gonna happen and I know that.
So wipe your tears, JB, (seems extra freakish to be talking to myself!)
and pick yourself up,
don’t be afraid to trust in someone again,
maybe there is more of that kind of
mesmerizing,
comforting,
humorous,
supportive,
and soulful friend out there waiting to be discovered.
I’m looking for my hope….it’s lost right now.
Let me know if you find it.
“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” ~~Bob Marley