June 7, 2015

I just realized yesterday why so many tears have fallen lately.

I have been feeling lately like no one in my life really cares about the real me. I don’t mean that no one cares about me at all because I know they do. I have no doubt about that. But who I am and what I think is more than what is at the surface.

With my husband, all we talk about is what chores we are going to do and how to do them or what the girls need or what problems they are having or what time dinner is or if we are going somewhere on the weekend. We never talk any deeper these days. He seems satisfied with that and if I want our discussions to go deeper then I always have to initiate them and they tend to disintegrate quickly. Aside from that, I don’t want to force him to be interested in my thoughts.

My mom is another person that I would think would wonder about my thoughts (I always used to talk in-depth about things with my dad). However, she has understandably become egocentric.  She’s been through a lot and I feel I need to be there for her, whatever the cost.

Most online friends have come and gone or I have not kept up with communication because it is easier to withdraw. I have sadly come to realize that I am just there until someone better comes along. When I am struggling and try to share my thoughts, I can hear them wondering why it doesn’t pass. When I try to really delve into a topic, I can feel them fidget and find something else to do, quickly.

I have some friends here but not too many. I don’t like small talk and so it is difficult to find someone that really wants to delve into the meaning of life or what thoughts on why the grass is green, etc. My best childhood friend is understandably busy raising a family of her own. Other than that, I do talk to a co-worker turned best friend but our time is limited now that we are not traveling very much anymore.

The other place that I have always thrived, is work. My favorite part was problem solving and brainstorming….it gets my heart pumping just to think about it. But that is not happening anymore. Because of reasons unknown to me, work has become a place where I punch the clock and finish my paperwork. That makes my shoulders droop and my eyes well up with tears.

I feel like I have so much to say but people just seem to prefer to use what they need from me and not bother with what is really underneath. I’ve taken into account that I could just start sharing my deepest desires and ponderings with others but I am not comfortable doing that. I want those that are closest to me to be genuinely interested and ask me what I think or believe. The kind of topics I am talking about need to come in the form of a conversation, not just a spewing of information. After overlooking it for some time, I am now beginning to take the lack of interest from others personally. How have I caused it and what can I do to make it better?

I’m not just a mom or a employee or a wife or a friend or something else…..I am a person with so many unique and interesting aspects inside. I feel trapped inside me and if I got out no one would notice. That makes me feel like I belong to everyone else. I want to own me enough to make others see who I really am but I don’t know how.

The tears just seem to make me feel even more alone.

I want to be seen.

 

“What use is care? What good is watching for that matter? People are forever watching things. They should be seeing. I see the things I look at. I am a see-er.”  ~Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man’s Fear

“The relation between what we see and what we know is never settled. Each evening we see the sun set. We know that the earth is turning away from it. Yet the knowledge, the explanation, never quite fits the sight.” ~John Berger, Ways of Seeing